A Downhill Slope, Part I

Lately, I have been struggling a lot with my mental health. I'm still having issues with my neck and down into my upper back, my migraines are more frequent and lasting a week long, family issues, and regular relationship disagreements, and just feeling completely unhappy with myself and my weight that it's all starting to be too much for me.

With the COVID-19 quarantine, the year 2020 hasn't been the easiest for anybody. There's constantly articles in the news regarding Mental Health Awareness and how to cope but if you, yourself, do not suffer from it then you'll never understand. Giving tips or telling people how they should cope, especially when they're cooped up in the house during a pandemic. Luckily, this whole joke of a pandemic didn't mess with my mental health too bad. I thought that I would take this time to kind of express what I've been going through the past couple of years.

Let's start with the picture above of me in the American flag bathing suit. I can tell you everything about the night before. It was actually a Sunday back in 2018. That October just seemed to be really off for me. I mean, wrestling was going well. I had been reunited with my best friend a few months prior. I did suffer through something that I only shared with a few people. I remember on this night in particular, I just couldn't see myself landing in a happier place anytime soon. I remember I had been sleeping on the love seat downstairs because with my neck it was truly more comfortable than a bed. But I went upstairs, grabbed a bottle of medication that I knew would most likely do what I planned. Before I even got the chance, a friend of mine randomly called me and asked if I wanted to go to a haunted house with him. Normally, I'm all about telling people no but something told me to go. I went. It was an "ok" time. I honestly don't think that I've talked to him since then.

Once I got home from the haunted house, I had calmed down on the idea of taking the pills. I ended up not being able to sleep that night. It was an endless night of scrolling through Instagram, Facebook and probably Twitter. I came across these photos of Nikki Bella in an American flag bathing suit similar to mine. With me planning to go as her for Halloween that year at WCWO, I went full throttle and poured all of my emotion into my makeup that morning at 6am. The photo at the top is what I got.

You see a happy, confident girl but you're being deceived.

Second, the girl on the right looks a little less happy but shes's put together, right? Wrong. This day, I remember so damn clearly. It was Thanksgiving of 2018 and I had a benefits show that night for a fellow wrestler that I had come to know from his visits at the Arena. He specifically had asked me to be there when it was originally his show he was putting on and I said "of course."

Leading up to this event, I just remember leaving my best friend's house, getting home and a switch flipped. I really dug myself into this deep depression that felt like it came out of nowhere. I didn't eat, drink or leave my bedroom for two weeks. I ignored my phone calls, messages and social media. I just didn't care. I was back in the same place I was in less than a month ago and I had somewhere I had to be. There was no way I could cancel on that night. I waited to the very last second that I could to get ready and look decent, presentable and happy. Inside I was screaming.

Sure I would smile at people, be sassy when I needed to be and I was a little bitchier that night more than usual but I wasn't happy. I did get to meet Big John (John Murray) that night. If you are wondering who exactly that is then let me tell you real quick. He is an independent wrestler currently, ex-Marine, and can be found on all three seasons of Bret Michaels' hit television show that aired on VH1 (yes I have it on DVD), as Bret's bodyguard and more, Rock of Love. In the picture below, he is the very tall guy on the left. He honestly became one of my favorite Facebook friends after this show because of his comments. After my neck surgery, I think he was one of the first people to check up on me and I appreciated that so damn much because even some of my so-called "best" friends NEVER even checked up on me. Here's to you, Big John! Thank you for lifting my spirits that night at the end when I realized I among a celebrity!

After Thursday night's benefit show, I still had Friday night's regular WCWO show. With my depression cloud still looming and my mental health still teetering on a very damn thin line, I didn't really want to go, especially for a second night in a row pretending to be happy. Since I had left my job at Anthem in August 2018, which is a whole different post altogether, I had all day to get ready for the show.

For night number two, I decided to go with a darker look (left picture). I felt like I was waking up from the dead yet I was still dead inside, if that makes sense, but I still had appearances to make. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to attend practices much anymore due to my neck and with my depression (along with other behind-the-scenes things that were going on), a break was definitely coming and needed.

I think that my trainer and my promoter knew that something was up with me in that regards because he made a comment about how at the first of the year, Big John was going to start doing things at WCWO. I thought that was great and awesome because I'd love to do wrestling managing work with him. My gut instinct though was no, that couldn't be true. And looking back now, it wasn't. It was just a ply to try to keep me in that Arena which honestly would just have kept my downhill slope that I was going down. Trust me though, it wouldn't be going up anytime soon.